Poems and Rants

The blood pours from the fountains in the chamber room. As he Feeds off his eternal hate and contempt for life. Waiting for a new kind of passion; waiting for what will be a reason to be. One cannot simply survive hating things. It will eventually destroy everything inside. But for now it will suffice. The anger most likely reserved for oneself; the slightest tinge in the soul; almost a sense of remorse, and regret. To whom do you answer too? The essence drips upon the sky much like rain. Seeing your fall in its entirety, but wanting to take pieces and put them right again. Love, it seems is the wild card in all of this. Sit and stare out at the stars and wonder if anything you’ve done so far matters or maybe you have made all the wrong choices. Hard to say, especially when at any moment you can pick up your life and move on. I think I’ve made the mistake as I’m sure many have of assuming this time is of any significance; that we have reached a part in history where it’s unique. It appears all things repeat themselves in history. A sadness almost hits in an odd way. I constantly play this game called life; maybe more so than most. In the sense that I try to tamper with the structure and change the rules, hoping for a throw, a better throw at my destiny. Evaluating logic vs. emotions again; what are emotions’ role in our lives compared to that of logic? Revisiting an old memory through song is interesting. Its like opening a book and picking up at a random page as the story unfolds. The child of curiosity continues onward with his soul in tact, unable to understand the world he’s in, but not needing to either. Through the song there is hope and his unbreakable will. The shadows of the world constantly appear and try to deter him, but he remains steadfast, passionate and strong. Reflecting on what ails us as people, its emotion that acts as the trigger. And emotion reacts to sounds in the most amazing way. We go about our way like drones, and out of nowhere the song comes and we stop, as if snapped back into reality, or a reality. As if we were living a dream and suddenly we are alive again. I feel this right now where I sit; craving these other worlds, these other visions and realities. I feel alive and pure in them. They are shards of something deeper in my psyche, in my subconscious. Perhaps, they are a memory from another time that I have lived, or could have lived; an extension of my soul.
I constantly flip the coins and roll the dices of life, hoping to outsmart my fate, and the ones behind the scenes pulling the strings.

when you are caught up in a struggle; that deadline that has to be met or you wont achieve your objective. But after the dust settles you are left to find something else to push for; your own fight, or nothing at all. Fantasy worlds are made up every day that provides a release, and a hope for something greater, a burst of life. To kill time, you find various things that have rules, you play by them, and an outcome is reached; win or lose, you played the game. We judge an accomplishment by making these non-existent rules reality. You win a game because the rules say you do. When these challenges have been met, or were not satisfying escapes from a reality that doesn’t have these rules in place, new ones are made to cure the itch, or rather prove that you are worth a damn. I really suck at swimming but wow look how good I am at rock climbing. Sometimes we get so caught up in something that it simply sucks us in and when it ends we finally take a look at it, completely grasp it and go “holy shit! What now?” Days spent once again doing nothing. I guess I fail in a way. I have a degree but what now? The fires of anger that used to fuel me are dying out; shades of a “me” I wasn’t happy with. I really was a contradicting force; but I had force. I find my temper being short at random times; finding things to fight about that aren’t necessary. Perhaps it’s all just a plea for some sort of grip.

These past few months have taught me an exceptional amount about life. What it means to have and lose both friendships and love. how to keep pushing on despite what you hold dearest to you stripped from your grasp. I have found love and seen it leave. I have lost friendships and seen new, amazing one's blossom. I have worked my ass off and taken large quantities of time off, and in the end, more questions appear. I have had so many people leave my life, it almost feels like a movie sometimes. Words have become cheap in a way. I have heard "I love you" in every way shape and form, and it falls short every time. Meaning should begin and end with true action based off of legitimate liking of someone due to time put in. I feel a sadness of a new kind lately, and it's not the sadness of being directly hurt. perhaps it's more of mourning for the true contentment in a relationship that I'll never find. Perhaps deep down I'm afraid I'll never find that. "Dan, the loveless soul, who can't be content." I guess I am asking to be swept off my feet, yet I don't think I deserve that. *Sigh*. Tears are welling up inside as if this song is releasing an untouched memory that will bring me to my knees when uncovered. But what does playing the pity game do?


I look across the room thinking I heard you answer my question, until I realized I never opened my lips, and you weren't there at all. The air changes as the wind cracks the sky, and fades into the hollow echo of the void. I can't quite grab the voices that stalk along the night air, but I feel as if I am as close as one could get. I even think I hear my name on a strand of light, shining in distance. Where is the line between logical reasoning and madness, and have I crossed it? I hear a song in the distance and I walk towards it, but it doesn't get any closer. when madness stirs, should one immediately answer the call? I do, and am lost in the seas of the stirring currents of insanity; uncharted, but forever hoping you'll arrive anyway.

I was once again reminded how much we lie to ourselves tonight. We make so many bold claims and promises, and they really aren't worth anything. Things are no longer sacred because we don't even hold ourselves accountable for what we say. When you lie to yourself, how could you possibly tell the truth to someone else? Which brings me to what is irritating me. I have been told many things over time by various people that didn’t hold any weight at all apparently. The words "I promise" thrown around like a ball on the playground, never to be held accountable. Family and friends alike continuously fail in this regard. Seeing certain things unfold lately, I have once again realized how many promises fell through, like a grain of sand. Everyone asks me “why are you so guarded up and hesitant to giving in”; because I get burned. Not necessarily right away, but the tapestry does unfold and reveal its wrinkles. Perhaps some people just talk themselves into wanting something, and for the time being, they do. But anything forced will eventually fall apart, like a building constructed in haste with no solid foundation. Somewhere inside people dream of that fairy tale life, where love falls into place like a puzzle finally finding it's piece. So we make a promise to someone; a bond of truth that is guaranteed by the person making the statement. A statement that the other party can take as fact and truth. So when a promise is so directly and blatantly broken, what faith is there left to be had? How could i possibly take people for their word? and without trust you have nothing. The words "I promise" and "I love you" should be put in timeout, and on the shelf for a while; removed from humanity, until it knows how to actually back it with truth. Until then we have a system of "paper" emotions that are like currency, fake value that should be backed by a more objective value. Humanity has learned to talk up a storm; from politicians to protesters; we talk. but we forgot to do. We need to relearn how to be about actions and not just words. It's as simple as this: if you aren’t absolutely sure you mean something, don’t say it. It hurts someone a lot less if you are completely honest. don’t promise if you are even remotely sure you can’t back it up. I would absolutely love to hear someone promise me something, and know that I could believe them. Until then, I stand increasingly hesitant to truly believe any emotion towards me that has been backed by words and not through action. Being incredibly guilty of this myself in the past makes this that much more real and heartfelt. We live in a society where over 50% marriages end in divorce. We must stop forcing ourselves and talking ourselves into things we aren’t ready for. If you truly feel you are moving too fast, speak your mind. If you aren't really sure you will be somewhere, then don’t say you will. I apologize ahead of time, but if i hear the words "what, you don’t believe me?" again, I will say, "sorry, but I don't; prove me wrong". To quote Ludwig Wittgenstein: “whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.”

"What makes a home?" I say to myself as I notice my growing attachment to aesthetics and their representation of me in the structure of my rooms. These rooms specifically hold a spot as a safe escape from the outside world. My possessions are the physical representation of my personality; colorful pieces of my essence that surround me. So, at this point, what am I missing? Among all the philosophy, and articles, there must be something hidden between the lines; something conclusive and definitive. I feel the waves rush in and the wind blowing harshly around me, as if the storm inside has grown large enough to manifest outside the walls of my being. 1,000 doors with an endless 1,000 more chambers, each hidden beneath layer under layer; hiding the answer. I spend some days walking by the doors, never to open them. Sometimes I feel curious and open many; wanting to return to some, but always going forward, I never make my way back.

There comes a time when you start to see more of the big picture; the fading of one future, the beginning of others. You start seeing friendships fade as people grow apart and bridges start to burn left and right; the calm silence finally ending to clear the path for a darker, more serious age. Freedom becoming scarce and the populous more easily controlled. We are seeing our choices being washed into the chaos of the sheep-race’s shallow aesthetic lifestyle. I can almost see the fire on the fringes; the time is coming for action and grand schemes to come to life. One can only stay on top so long before the ones who pull the strings eventually take us into their web. I scurry and run trying to stay one step ahead of them, but it’s a struggle. Life is so short; too short. To live just long enough to know what you want, then it fades away like dust to the breeze. I sit here in my room in the dark at 4 in the morning and can’t help but feel the oncoming storm just on the edges of my reality. Every action I take important; every move must be precise and efficient. I see people around me taking one false step and falling into the clutches of their superiors. What happened to our individual rights? What happened to questioning and not taking the words fed to you for granted? The new world is growing and changing at a rapid rate. Humanity clings to the fringes, simply hoping not to be left behind.