Destino Final: A New Outlook; A Final Goodbye.

I have been spending a lot more time in nature (and outside in general) lately. I recently dislocated my rib, so I have unfortunately (and depressingly) not been able to train (which means my favorite happiness go-to ‘sparring’ isn’t a possibly until the rib is better) at the gym. This has given me more time to reflect; too much time if I’m being honest. During this time I also lost my remaining grandparent; my grandmother Jane. She joins her husband (my grandfather George) and my other grandparents Nancy and Kyle; both who I miss greatly. I’ve always been so damaged due to my childhood, but at the same time I wouldn’t be as strong or as multifaceted without it. So it puts me in this weird quandary of holding on to anger, frustration, and resentment, but at the same time, being incredibly thankful for what I am today. I feel like I was left to stand on my own 2 feet a lot and by the falls and rises, became really strong. So what’s interesting is as you lose the outlet you we’re focusing your emotion on, you also lose any focal point of being upset or holding onto a grudge to. There’s no point in holding onto a grudge against someone or something that isn’t here anymore. And at the end of the day it’s it’s like I don’t even want to hold that grudge. I’m incredibly thankful for all the good times I had, and I think deep down, under the anger and resentment, is really just a lot of hurt and sadness. Because I have a Lot of great memories, and a lot of who I am is shaped by my grandmother and my grandfather and definitely Nancy and kyle, my other grandparents. So what I’m left with is almost this( I guess for lack of better words) transitional stage of finally acceptance that I am an adult; truly an adult. But also realizing that I’ve used my frustration, resentment, and anger as a means to keep myself disconnected enough to where I don’t hurt more. But at the end of the day, we lose people and that’s unavoidable. In fact, that’s one of the biggest parts of life. Life has meaning only because we lose people and our own lives; it ends. I have tried to do everything on my own for so long, that I realized that I don’t think I wanted to do it alone all along. I thought I did for a while, because I I was proving some point like look what I could do alone, without any help, but at the end of the day, you’re trying to please your ego. When you get older and you’re not there to impress anybody, you really want to just love and be loved, and it actually mean something. All of these battles require being against other people, or we think we’re fighting against other people, when deep down, we are actually just battling against ourselves; our fears, our doubts, our weakness, and ultimately) our dark side. We need to really find out what it is that’s holding us back because aesthetics and the ego have a bunch of minuscule tiny victories for us, but these victories of enjoyment are fleeting, and after time, you start to see how unsatisfying it is to keep starting back at the beginning with someone. The small talk we get excited for because it’s all new and much easier than working through heavy struggles with someone, and finding a way to overcome and grow stronger and have a deeper connection. it’s like subconsciously, we start to see the sands from the hour glass slip away, as time gnaws on the bones of life. but I see more clearly how prevalent the lessons, passions, and values I absorbed over the years from those I have lost are, and how deeply they help form the entirety of my being as well as the way I live and what I value in that space. We are the legacy that keeps going; the baton passed. And disfunctionslity aside, we ultimately need to be accountable for our lives by not playing victim and obsessing about the bad of our pasts, but appreciating and utilizing the good that has come from it, and the strength we have inside because of it. The ego is a powerful thing and has its uses, but it also holds it’s position too strong, and for too long. And in many situations, it can hold us back from growing, more than it can protect us sometimes. I feel I am more understanding and sympathetic as I am growing older, putting myself in other’s shoes and finding compassion, more than casting judgement. I’ve lost so many people on l this journey, and it always made me feel detached, depresssed, weak, and I felt more alone. But I should have been thankful for the time we had, rather than depending on them for strength and guidance. I feel I am tough, but a lot of it was from cutting myself off from my emotions, with this almost gluttonous love for being the underdog who could go through any emotional torture and come out on top. I survived by giving my ego enjoyment and power through suffering through and surviving chaos. But I realized the wounds were so deep, and I was also cutting myself off from possible aspects of happiness, through true closeness with other people. And one can still be strong through embracing that weakness, while at the same time, not being addicted to the darkness as a crutch; my comforting normal. I see now the whole “you will undrstand one day, youth is wasted on the young” quote. I wouldn’t say wasted, I enjoyed much of it, with many great memories to sustain me, but I see the arrogance of invincibility; the illusion of unlimited time that youth seems to have. And now a full generation has passed onward, and I take my step up forward, as we all move forward a spot. It’s almost like one has to get passed that “living in the fast lane“ mindset to see the blessings one has; to see it won’t be about you forever. and to also be grateful for everything you are, because of the experience of those before you. Both the relatives and friends who have passed, but also the anscestors before them and all their experience and knowledge that took place to set the events in place for your existence. We are never in this alone, even the self-made man requires many event to be set in state before he comes to existence as well as his adulthood. And we must be grateful and appreciatIve of that. We all make mistakes and no one has it figured out, despite what we may think. We are all shaped from our past and those before us, from the parts of our DNA to the experiences and interactions throughout our lives. I have passion for knowledge, athletics, poetry, business, strategy, debating, philosophy, humor, and being a smart-ass, all which I at least partially absorbed and learned to appreciate from my grandparents. In a way this is a reflection, but also a thank you as well as a parting goodbye to them. As I must now accept that this is a close to the chapter that has made me both run away from, and yet cling to, the same past. So I feel last night was symbolic, as I felt like I had 40 dreams in one night. those of which I was visited my my grandparents and got to share great memories and the passing of gifts and symbols in appreciation of all that we shared with each other; of how much I valued all of it. And despite any bad, and resentment I may have been holding onto all these years, here is my farewell; my letting it go. Life is to be appreciated and valued, for some no longer have that chance. And there is so much to be grateful for. Stop and reflect, take a deep breath and pause. Go out and be still in nature, and watch a sunset and just be; feel. And most importantly; be grateful. R.I.P. Jane and George Beylouny, Nancy and Kyle Thomas. As well as my father Stuart Thomas. I let go of all of the baggage go and leave only love and acceptance in its place. And to others I have lost, you haven’t been forgotten, nor the beautiful memories I experienced with you. To everyone out there, all of the things you need are inside you. The will, motivation, the talent, intelligence, strength; it’s all there. And all of the trauma, fear, weakness inside of you; you have the power and ability to let it all go As well. Don’t waste your life a prisoner to what holds you back, when there is so much inside you and all around you to be grateful for, and potential for you to have a great life. And any lesson, no matter how

negative or positive, will always hold value and some learning moment for the good. The Forrest fire clears way for new growth, the muscles have to break down first before getting stronger, and the universe abhors a vacuum; every hole and loss must be filled. Don’t wait for the right moment; now is that moment, take it. Now let’s go enjoy life.

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